Some say that German-born Beidler, John X,
would rather have a good fight than bad sex,
an' I suppose many men might say the same.
But his vigilante ways
in the wild west days
are the reason you an' I might know his name.
When the law was non-existent
Beidler was insistent,
an' never feared an outlaw face-ta'-face.
He'd take 'um one-by-one,
or with a group he'd share the fun,
an' never did he end up in disgrace.
He first plied this trade in Kansas
when cowboys over-stepped their chances:
they were boozin', breakin', an' shootin' up the town.
Their actions stuck in Beidler's craw,
who used a small Howitzer ta' draw,
an' turned every cowpoke smile into a frown.
It was loaded with printers type,
an' caused some media hype,
as he single-handedly sent them on the run.
The cowboys had fits,
fer' weeks they plucked out bits,
fer' gettin' out of hand with their fun.
From then on the high-brow ta' shanty
would be touched by the vigilante,
if any of them did what they shouldn't do.
To Montana he took his trade,
without a mask an' never afraid:
he dared outlaw's kin to come after him too.
But he never had no takers
from kith an' kin of law-breakers:
they all had heard tell of his reputation.
Beidler was squat an' he was mean,
with a walrus mustache an' a loyal team,
an' he kept his rifle closer than any female relation.
Some folks even said
he took the rifle ta' bed,
an' he knew how ta' shoot it...
of that there's no denyin'.
Beidler was a distractor
fer' the lesser criminal factor,
but desperadoes kept pushin'...
an' ended up dyin'.
When badmen stole hope,
an' good folks couldn't cope,
Beidler an' his crew would answer the call.
They never would mope,
they'd bring their own rope,
an' dish out some vigilante law.
But when a police force was hired
Beidler an' his crew retired,
they were happy ta' let progress have its day.
Yet they had done much
fer' towns in the clutch
of badmen goin' further astray.
Sweet memory divine
of towin' the line,
an' never steppin' over the bounds.
Many criminals were pinched,
about half of them lynched:
sent down ta' be chased by hellhounds.